Every summer, and maybe a winter, I occasionally engage in what I call the “fresh pineapple binge”. Meandering through Coles yesterday, cause that’s what I do now, I considered it. Fresh pineapple. Yum. I walked past eyeing them off. I could smell them!

“I see you pineapple, shaking that ass, lookin’ at me!”

Doing a full lap of the fruit trestles, I rolled my cock-eyed trolley back past and stopped. I picked one up, flipped it bum side up and sniffed all the glory of it in. Like baby ballerinas tiptoeing up my nose, the scent tickled my spot. The sweet smell of summer. (Just not here in Melbourne!) Inhaling it again, I cradled the prickly pineapple to my nose like a crazy pineapple lady. Nope, not today! Slowly, hesitantly the pineapple went back on the trestle with all her mates. Why you ask? I’ll tell you why.

Apart from being a Bitch to peel, with all her prickled eyes and her tiny black eyelashes she leaves behind, you then have to slice her and de-eye the edges. Being a Bitch to prepare is a huge cross against the pineapple, BUT the taste makes that all worth while. If you don’t own a really fucking sharp knife, then don’t even bother. I cringe at how much gets wasted while skinning and de-eyeing. The poor bloody pineapple is slashed and ravaged before you get to enjoy her. They really are some work, aren’t they? Anyways, apart from all that, pineapples don’t like me as much as I like them.

The gorging of fresh pineapple gives me great satisfaction at a weird arse price. After prepping the poor baby for slaughter, I begin to eat. Sometimes I core her, other times I don’t. Biting into the soft, stringy flesh, slurping and sucking the juices as well, the immediate euphoria hits. Bite by bite the effects of the sweet, Vitamin C packed morsels, begin to take effect. First, I develop this light film of sweat across my top lip. My boys think it’s a pisser, and completely weird! After a few minutes of this I consume more sweet pineapple morsels, the film of sweat will thicken. Eventually while picking out the stringy bits between my teeth and after probably a third of a pineapple, remember I only do this once a year, my tongue will start to get an itsy, bitsy, bit tingly. Depending on whether I am eating the core too, sometimes it can be more like a rough, cat tongue sensation. I kid you not, it’s the weirdest sensation to have in one’s mouth. All good though, just keep eating… it’s once or twice a year right? So eventually I have had my fill. Sick from the sweetness, high on natural sugar and fingers covered in a thick, sticky gloss. Stringy bits act like stuck dental floss between my teeth. I sport a very sexy, dripping, sweaty lip and I have earned a cat’s tongue. I am done.

Over the years I have investigated the dangers I face associated with consuming pineapple. I might cut my finger during the battle of prepping, or even cut my fucking finger off! Or I could choke on a stringy bit because we all know that they are the WORST bit of eating fresh pineapple. You’re seriously pulling stringy bits out three days later! Nevertheless, I have accepted that this is some sort of mild reaction to the Ascorbic Acid packed flesh of the pineapple. At certain times of the year, particularly after the frosts have started and the new oranges are available, oranges will give me the same reaction. Meh! I’m still going to do it!

I truly love pineapple. I adore the smell. It tastes amazing. It’s a party in my mouth and exciting for all my senses. However, I won’t eat anything remotely pineapple flavoured. Not a pineapple Cruiser, ugh! too sweet, not those clinker lollies, eww, they screech on my teeth and certainly not a pineapple Zooper Dooper. I can’t even stomach the though of it. Fresh is best! Even if she’s a Bitch to prepare I still think she’s worth it, once a year.

Make sure you turn the teapot twice clockwise and once anticlockwise!


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