I was struggling for the next topic to blog about, until just earlier when I found a box of Roses chocolates on my doorstep with a thank you note. Who left it there and why doesn’t matter really. What matters is that sometimes just being who you are naturally, is all that counts. I am me and I am grateful of that, and so are others it seems.
After thirty-nine years I have made a countless number of friends and lost some, I guess that’s bound to occur. I’m lucky enough to have a very healthy handful or two of girlfriends, and those closest to me believe it or not, are very like me. They hold values like mine, and the morals they live by, are just like mine. They’re often strong, loud and opinionated, expressive and forthright, again just like me. If it needs to be said you can count on me to say it, and so too can it be said for this beautiful circle around me. A spade is a spade, not a heart!
I’m not always vocal and expressive. I can be quiet too and I enjoy the silence between friends particularly over a cup of tea. It’s a strong comfort to me and shows that ‘we’ are okay. There’s no need to fill that silence with mundane chat that means nothing. White noise is all it is. Chats with my bestie can often take two days to complete… sometimes longer. Yup, this is true. Our relationship is like no other and it has weathered many storms such as school, distance, other friends, family and kids. We are connected mind, body and soul and I love her. I even had her fucking morning sickness before I knew she was pregnant, calling her to ask if she was expecting, and she was, having not long peed on the stick! We are undeniably connected, there is no doubt of that. We just know stuff. Things you couldn’t possibly know. Feelings you shouldn’t be feeling and emotions that grab you by the ribs and wrench at you in until you call or text to find out what’s going on. She is my earth line, keeping me grounded; the voice of reason, always ready to tell me I’m off the mark or bang on it; she’s my constant, somewhere to measure against. I mirror that back to her. We fit.
Learning to be grateful for all you have is a blessing and a lesson very well learned. It was a hard lesson for me to learn. Pride was my lesson. I could never have gotten through some really fucked up periods in my life, some still ongoing without the circle of friends I have around me. Friendship is only what you make it, and so too is family. Sadly, I’ve lost family because of pride and stubbornness, and that’s not my pride or stubbornness I’m talking about. I have laid my cards and heart on the table, trying to hold onto all I can, but you can’t win them all and I’m tired. I’ve now surrounded myself with my chosen family of friends and that is what I am grateful for. I’m proud of all I have. Their constant support, the drop in visit to make sure I’m okay and the phone call to check on me are more than some family have ever done. That’s sad, but very true and I’m okay with that. I have done and will keep on doing the right thing, but only to those that respect me.
I love deeply, possibly too deeply. I hurt even more so. I’m fiercely loyal and will protect what’s mine, including my friends. I feel a friends pain, anguish, grief and happiness. If they hurt, I hurt. Some nights I’ve shed a tear and even sobbed for their pain. Is it normal to feel so strongly alongside your friends, to endure their hardship and their sadness? I think so. To at least empathise with them is natural.
Shooting from the hip can seem to some as brutal, or too confronting; and that’s okay. Don’t ask me to change. I won’t. I may lack some timing skills and can often be seen with my foot in my mouth but this is me. The true me. I won’t sugar coat to save you some face, but I will sometimes go easy with my approach. Caring hurts sometimes, well actually a lot of the time if you ask me, but from that pain grows respect and gratitude. What’s particularly beautiful is when that respect and gratitude is given back. A simple thank you means the world to me.
I think I’m worthy of every single one of my girlfriends. They all know who they are to me, and where they stand. I’m me because of them. I fuckin love every one of them, old and new and I would move Heaven and Earth for them if they asked. They’re all amazing, and strong, and deserving, not of me but of a beautiful life full of love and happiness. We all deserve that including me. Having friends who care just as much about me as I do them makes me smile, you know, really bloody smile. I’m so fucking lucky.
So thank you, to my ‘Roses and Note’ leaver, for giving me my topic today; and for hearing me when I tell you I care and that I’m here; for gently giving me advise when I needed it, even though I didn’t know you were giving it, I was listening. She’s a gentle soul with a gentle heart with a brilliant voice and brain to go with it. You are not alone, none of my friends are alone, not one. Xx
Make sure you turn the teapot twice clockwise and once anticlockwise!