So I’ve started making my way down my Fucket List. If you missed that post then you best check it out.
Today I went to the Red Cross Blood Bank all ready to donate my much-needed red stuff and guess what… no go because I need the all clear from my doctor or cardiologist because of my heart murmur. Fuck it! So, it just so happens that making sure my ticker was okay was actually on my Fucket List. I went and had my echocardiogram done last week, endured a halter strap for 24 hours too, just to make sure all is okay. Lucky I did, because I’d be doing it anyways now to donate blood. Like it was almost meant to be hey!
Having an echo done isn’t the most pleasant thing in the world, particularly with a huge set of tits. Undressing completely and donning a gown three sizes too small and opened at the front isn’t a grand look. Very, very unsexy. The gown covered my back. It was like I was wearing an apron on my back. Then laying back on the bed completely exposed while the skinny piece next to me lifts my tit out-of-the-way to get to my ribs… embarrassing much! Thanks love, just ask me next time and I’ll move my own tit, okay? I’m sure she didn’t even notice she was doing it and I’m even more certain she didn’t even care, but I do.
Then began the pressing and pushing of the hard handheld what ever you call it probe thing. Jabbing it beside my breast bone, into my boob. It’s like being poked with a really hard bony finger. Ice cold gel caked all over it, like I’ve been in a sex orgy and covered in lube, ha, no I’ve never been in a sex orgy! So for a half hour or so I lay there while she probes my chest, under my boob, beside my boob, on top of my boob, breath in and hold for 15 seconds and breathe out… Fuck me, if I didn’t do that thirty times over. Then she pokes the probe thing up under the bottom of my ribs and then down my throat at the middle of my collar bones. The joy of it.
Having routine checks done when you’re a woman is common, and necessary. The old pap smear is just as joyful, I promise. Yeah, I’m fucking kidding, it’s not fun, and it’s not enjoyable AT ALL. Being as I’m almost forty and I had my first smear when I was 19 years old and then every 2 years there on, I’ve been up on a doctors bed with my legs splayed more than 11 times not including the in between checks for shit like child-birth.
The Pap smear is generally not a conversation most women will elaborate on. Probably for good reason, but hey, I’m a bit of a realist so explaining a Pap smear could be fun. A lot of women delay, put off or don’t ever have one. It’s a dangerous game to play with your own body, and to be honest, for the sake of 5 minutes of sheer discomfort its worthwhile. The old speculum has come a long way in my life time. The set of expandable ‘tongs’ probe they use to stretch a ladies vaginal wall open, exposing her cervix… yeah there’s no other way to write it… used to be stainless steel but is now disposable and plastic. It’s a refreshing thought, having a new unused speculum inserted. I always wondered just how sanitary the metal ones were even when they’re sanitized and who knows what else. Wait though, because these expandable tongs come in different sizes! Yes, I’ve been lucky enough to be told, “hang on love I’ll need to grab the other size”… **insert crickets chirping** Fucking lucky me, I have to endure TWO lots of probing and being told I have a big vagina! Thank you…
So once the cervix is exposed, we then have to wait for the scraping. That’s the part I don’t like the most. It’s uncomfortable and can sometimes hurt a little. The dull scratch on a part of your body you never have any sensation on normally. Your brain tries to process where the ‘pain’ is coming from; it’s not a normal sensation and quite confusing to the senses. Normally I will lay there with my eyes wandering over the ceiling, finding things to look at so I don’t have to see the mini-dunny-brush-cross- tooth-brush being inserted into ones open vagina.
Imagine a man doing this. They whine about having to have a finger popped up their butt to check their prostrate… Oh the horror of some rimming!
So there you have it. The Pap Smear explained… for those of you I love, get it done if you haven’t.
Make sure you turn the teapot twice clockwise and once anticlockwise!
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